Could Your Family Benefit From Anger Management? Here’s How To Do So

Does your family suffer from bursts of anger, hostility, strife, and malice towards you and/or each other? This can become a very serious problem if it’s not stopped or gotten control over. Whether you were raised up in that kind of environment or not is of no consequence because, as a believer and follower of Christ, it should not be allowed to be present within your own home. It can, and must be stopped.

Apart from getting some kind of professional help, such as a psychiatrist/psychologist, family or school counselor, or various anger management programs (group or individual) within your community or online; you may also seek the help from your church body–from pastors, youth ministers, elders, deacons, and older, seasoned and spiritually mature ladies of the church who could pray and fast for you and your family. Anger is no little thing, and must not be allowed to grow and fester in our lives and homes.

Oftentimes we hear in the news, local or worldwide, how this or that person (or group of people) killed or maimed another human being (or many human beings), or how somehow they destroyed their own lives and other’s while participating in various heinous crimes, likewise to murders, rapes, kidnappings, and so on.

And so we ask ourselves the same questions over and over again, such as: “why did they do it?” “What were they thinking?”, or “how could they have gotten so sick in the head that they carried out such horrible crimes against society?” Well, as we contemplate these questions and others, it is obvious that these are exactly some of the ways in which anger manifests itself, first within the heart, and then eventually outward towards others in society and towards those we love.

 

The Powerful Effects Of Anger

By definition from Webster’s Dictionary, anger is said to be “a strong resentment of injury, or a perceived wrong. It is a sudden, keen displeasure aroused by an injury or injustice and it is usually accompanied by a strong desire to punish.”

There are varying degrees of anger however, depending also on the intensity of it, such as wrath, rage, indignation, and fury. These are all expressions of intensities that can manifest from this strong emotion, and in which case anger management may become necessary.

I am sure that at times even you, or other family members have experienced pangs of anger from time to time, and even possibly those of these varying degrees mentioned above as well. However, it is when it begins to get out of hand, to the point of hurting yourself or those around you, that will alert you to the fact that immediate action must be taken from the controlling grip it can have on your life and on the lives of others.

The following are a few ways in which uncontrolled anger can affect one’s life and others around him/her, and that of which may contstitute real and viable reasons why one would consider undergoing help through anger management. Such instances are…

  • When it causes depression and feelings of hopelessness
  • When it causes the loss of job, work, or career
  • When it causes the loss of one’s family (family member)
  • When it causes the engagement of criminal activities (murder, rape, burglary, or other hate crimes)
  • When it causes divorce
  • When it causes mental strain, illness, and other mental stress
  • When it causes various addictions: overeating, drug, alcohol, sexual, internet, pornography, and other harmful acts and addictions
  • When it causes relationship problems
  • When it causes one to bully or harass others, and…
  • When it causes resentment, hatred, bitterness, and unforgiveness, and…
  • When it affects one’s personality and character to the point that it affects daily functioning in his/her life

Isn’t it interesting to see how that one particular emotion God put within us at conception can lead to a sin, which can lead to many other kinds of sins if not controlled or incorrectly mishandled? I think sometimes we just don’t realize it, or pay much attention to anger, or how we are to handle or use this particular emotion in our lives.

We want to do the right thing and be righteous in God’s eyes, and yet Satan can oftentimes sneak around and quickly throw us a curve ball, twisting something so innocent as a God-given emotion, turning it into something more evil and sinister.

The Right And Wrong Uses Of Anger

Anger in and of itself is not a sin, since God has placed this emotion inside everyone of us as part of being human. It is in our physical makeup and so God had a reason for putting it there. He allows us to feel and use it, but only during certain circumstances that He has ordained for us, not in the way which our fleshly lusts would dictate, or that in which the world uses it.

Of course, we realize that anger helps us to fight back when faced with real physical dangers, to arm or defend ourselves, and/or our loved ones when attacked or physically threatened. It signals up an alarm inside us that trouble is coming our way, or that it is already here.

Even certain traumatic events can produce anger, hostile feelings, and emotions, such as in those who have gone to war for example. Many soldiers who have gone to war have come back home, dealing with the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), causing aggression, rage, and extreme anxiety/worry, and who have ongoing episodes of panic, grief, and anger in their lives.

It has been shown in various medical and psychological studies that, through the course of anger management, along with the help of certain medications, family counseling, and intervention, many a soldier, along with his/her family have been helped in learning how to maintain and control this powerful emotion and its devastating effect on the family unit.

Within other situations of anger, you know there are times when, yes, you or other family members may feel some irritation or annoyance with someone, and for whatever reason it bugs you/them a lot. However, those types of instances do not always give a cause to be angry, or even for anger management, especially if it can be dismissed from one’s mind, or be handled and controlled properly.

The time to truly take heed to how its affecting you, your family, or someone you love and care for, is when there is pure outrage, hatred and maliciousness in the heart, hurtful and even criminal acts and/or behaviors displayed. These types of expressions of anger and hostility are deeply-rooted in bitterness and resentment and must be dealt with, on a spiritual and possibly a professional or therapeutic level. 

The right way in dealing with anger is to approach it in the ways of helping and not hurting the other person. When you get angry at someone, saying hurtful words or offensive things, you are sending out a negative vibe or energy that is easily picked up on by the other person. He/she in turn may want to retaliate, becoming angry back and could quite literally explode in your face or may feel prompted to do physical harm to you.

The wrong way to approach anger is just to let your emotions fly by losing your self-control, recklessly saying whatever enters your mind, not caring whether it hurts the other person or not. When you give yourself the permission to act this way, you can end up losing friends or harming good relationships with your kids, or other family members and even your job!

If you get steamed every time someone does something against you, or says something you don’t like, or if this is how your kids act at home towards each other or towards you, then you probably have little to no peace in the house and are on edge every single day. It’s hard to live a stress-free life when there is constant chaos, anxiety, and worries which may be stemmed from anger and hostility around you. Honestly, it’s just not worth it. A free moment of letting yourself go like that can bring devastation and take a huge toll on your life, as well as affect you in all those areas I mentioned above. 

A Biblical Perspective On How To Manage Anger

So then, how is anger management applied to our lives from a biblical standpoint? how are we to deal with anger issues whenever they come up in our daily lives? What does our Lord say to us about how we are to control our angry emotions and when does He allow us to use them to bring honor and glory to Him?

First of all, we as Christian believers must learn to use and apply self-control towards these emotions and feelings of the flesh, as anger is indeed a fleshly emotion. However, self-control (temperance) is also a fruit of the Holy Spirit which works in our lives to help us overcome our fleshly lusts and desires. We are not able to do this within our own power but as we lean on the Lord for His help and strength, it is entirely possible to obtain. The following passages of scripture may help in this area of self-control, to empower you and your family in maintaining and overcoming the sometimes destructive effects of anger:

  1. Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man (woman) without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”
  2. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (temperance), against such things there is no law.”
  3. 2 Peter 1:5-7 says, “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.”
  4. Titus 2:11-14 tells us, “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession who are zealous for good works.” Also in…
  5. Philippians 4:13 reminds us, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

So, as you can see, in whatever form of anger management you or your family members may participate in, there must be some form of self-control to be implemented within the program or plan itself. Even God has put this character trait in line with His plan for your life and in the lives of your loved ones.

Anger management does not only consist of learning to control one’s anger by an act of the will, but it is in allowing God to step in and take dominion over your mind, heart, and will–to deliver you out of the the bondage from your actions and emotions, especially if you are so mad about something or someone that you end up feeling more rage, hatred, resentment, and holding grudges in your heart for them, than by just having the anger feeling alone, doing nothing with it or acting upon it.

The Christian’s approach to anger management should always include the powerful armor of God’s Word, which is the weapon you must use to combat Satan and all his demonic forces as he uses anger many times for his own agenda and benefit.

When you find yourself getting caught up in the throes of anger, hostility, rage, resentment, bitterness, and all the other hardcore negative emotions that can build up within you, just remember the power you have through God’s weaponry–His Word. Consider these helpful bible verses which give you the tools to manage and/or combat anger whenever you find it going against God’s plan in your life or that of your kids: 

  • Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us to, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no place (opportunity) to the devil.”
  • James 1:19-20 warns, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
  • Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”
  • Ecclesiastes 7:9 tells us, “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.“
  • Proverbs 19:11 also says, “The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.“
  • Proverbs 15:18 says, “A wrathful man stirreth up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.”
  • Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that, “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.”
  • Proverbs 14:17 says, “He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devises is hated.”
  • James 4:1-2 says, “From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.”  
  • Psalm 37:8-9 instructs us, “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.”
  • Colossians 3:8 says, “But now ye must put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.”
  • Revelation 21:7-8 tells us, “He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God and he shall be My son. But the fearful, and unbelieving, and abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.“
  •  Romans 12:17-21 says, “Recompense no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, revenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: For it is written, vengeance is Mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.”
  • Romans 1:18-19 says also, “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewn it unto them.” Lastly,
  • Matthew 5:21-24 Jesus instructs, “Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, ‘Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, ‘That whosoever is angry at his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgement: And whosoever shall say to his brother, ‘Raca’, shall be in danger of the council: But whosoever shall say, ‘Thou fool’, shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore is thou bring they gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled unto thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.'”

Anger management for a Christian should be simple and forthright even though Satan may have us thinking otherwise. You see, although at times it can be confusing when we read in God’s Word about how to be angry in one instance, and then to not be angry in another; there is a reason for this dilemma.

Since you (and I) were born into sin, everyone of your emotions respond to people, to events and circumstances, even towards life in general, in a sinful way from the beginning, including that of anger. So this emotion then, will always respond from the “flesh’s” point of view. But when you were saved and born again, you began the transformation of conforming more to Christ’s character and person, in which case your emotions also follow suite. Your conduct changes because of your new nature in Christ. Anger management then starts to work from your deeper spirit, moving forward through your heart and mind. It becomes a lot easier to control your anger emotions when you have Christ as your supreme example!

Whenever it tells us in the Bible not to be angry, it is mostly referring to those times when we become angry “in the flesh”, meaning that we are responding to our flesh’s needs or desires, such as when we feel the need to be justified or vindicated in certain circumstances (when we feel hurt or mistreated in some way and want revenge for it). We  lose our cool or express a bad angry temper towards others.

It is during these moments that other sins come about as well that also manifest in our lives, such as pride, jealousy, envy, malice, covetousness, idolatry, etc. On the other hand, righteous anger occurs when we get angry as a result of someone else being wronged or hurt in an ungodly way, or when we see sinful situations that we know shame the name of Jesus, or when we encounter the teaching and preaching of false doctrines and wish to stop it, call it out, or bring it into the light. It is anger that springs up in us from witnessing the effects and justifications of the world’s sinful behaviors and blasphemies toward God!

Getting Help Through Anger Management Programs/Plans

What does a good anger management program or plan look like? Consider these suggestions while deciding if one is right for you and your family:

  • If a felony or misdemeanor/crime has been committed, whether it involves, your child, you, or another member of your family, there may be an instance here where a judge has placed a court-ordered anger management plan for your or a loved one, in which case there is virtually no getting out of it, but has been decided through a legal entity and authority to be of a necessary help. Most times these type of programs have certain criteria already put in place for the individual and/or their family members to engage in, and will take a limited time frame for its completion.
  • When considering an anger management program/plan, think about and determine what factors of anger in the individual’s life need the most attention and work on. Example of this: Has he/she had a physical or a check-up from a doctor to determine if there may be a biological or chemical reason or imbalance there, which could attribute somewhat to his/her mental state resulting in violent and hostile behaviors? Has he/she ever been arrested or spent time in jail for violent and/or threatening behaviors? If so, what seems to trigger these actions and behaviors? Are relationships badly affected every time there is a violent flareup or outburst of some kind? Are your co-workers frightened of your hostile outbursts or mood swings while at work? What about your children, are they afraid to be around you, or the family member in question? Is it not safe to go home with the offending family member there? Or, is it likely that you or the family member will lose his/her temper at the “drop of a hat”, or just whenever a crisis or an extremely stressful situation at home happens? In asking many of these important questions, you or your other family members will be able to decide whether he/she is a good candidate for an anger management program/plan.
  • Determine what the cost will be for the anger management program/plan, and if your insurance plan will cover it. There are many companies out there that will help an employee with stress and anger management by providing some sort of help in this area, especially if the job stress is overwhelming for its workers. Heavy amounts of stress can and does induce anger and hostility from feeling little to no sense of control over a situation. Also you may have a family health insurance policy that provides help and treatment for children and teens undergoing severe mental trauma and/or stress. Check your insurance policy to see if your child qualifies for it.

Criteria For Good Anger Management

There are certain criteria for a good anger management program/plan that are found in most programs to be of vital importance in helping an individual learn to take control of his/her emotions and feelings when it comes to getting angry. Here are a few key points to consider when searching for the right program/plan that works for you or your loved one:

  • Professional therapists, psychologists, sociologists, and even nutritionists may all have a part in your or your loved one’s anger management agenda. Each one comes to the table with particular skills sets, aspects and concerns that give a unique piece of the puzzle to your (or your loved one’s) type of anger issue.
  • Group or family therapy can be helpful in learning how to deal with certain triggers and emotions of one’s anger and how to react to them in a calm, controlled way. These group classes give each individual a safe environment in which he/she can express, talk and be validated on what truly angers him/her, along with other members of the group experiencing similar issues, and  reacting in kind.
  • One learns to set boundaries and/or not go past a certain response in dealing with anger issues.
  • Each individual is given new sets of skills in learning and practicing how to control one’s emotions and feelings of anger, rage, and hostility.
  • The individual learns how to be safe if/when a hostile or violent situations occurs around him/her. Issues of bullying, harassment, aggression, sexual and physical abuse and addictions of various kinds can furthermore perpetuate and incite feelings and emotions of anger, hostility, hatred, and rage as well. All of these issues and problems are addressed within the group or family therapy sessions.
  • Each person learns about respecting oneself and respecting other’s rights within the family unit.
  • Individuals learn when it is the right time to talk of difficult issues which may lead to someone getting angry or very upset. During this time individuals learn how to distance themselves from the offending person or environment that seems to trigger angry feelings, teaching them by demonstration how to calm down, applying self control to his/her situation. Confrontation is difficult but must be dealt with at some point in time during therapy.
  • If there has been domestic, child, or spousal abuse determined from a therapy session, usually anger management is not the course of immediate action here (could be applied at a later time within therapy however); instead, since it may be an issue of power and control, other courses of action and specialized treatments may be in order for these types of problems. And finally, anger management program/plans look to solving problems of,
  • Handling stress, conflict resolution, learning how to confront others calmly, handling anger at the moment it happens, and how to effectively communicate one’s anger towards others in more reasonable ways.

In conclusion, truly we have been blessed as Christians, by our Creator, with emotions of all kinds, including anger, of which God had a special reason for placing it inside us, not to be used for sin, but in expressing it to please God while we bring glory and honor to Him.

If yoiu find yourself or a loved one in your home suffering from vaious intense feelings of anger, strife, hatred, malice, hostility, and so on, you will be able to spot it right away, knowing that this is not from the Lord and is not pleasing to Him.

I charge you then, to search the Scriptures in dealing with this issue of anger management. pray and ask the Lord to guide and direct you in this matter. Allow Him to lead you to those who can help you or your loved ones, and by trusting and obeying Him, your life and the lives of your family will bless the Lord and will continue to be a shining light to others, as well as pointing them to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

May the Lord richly bless you and your family members through these tough and difficult times.

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