Can there honestly be a hard part to being a Christian single-mom? Yes, you better believe there is!! We can see and feel this everyday as a mom. Whether you are single, married, or in between, if you have children, raising them up in this worldly system, it is getting to be more difficult each and every day. However, being a Christian single-mom also can seem nearly impossible to do within our society these days.
What’s so hard about it though? Well, there are several factors of difficulty as we look at this issue. Also, there are a few solutions for Christian single-moms to these strains/stresses in life as you continue to read further.
These are situations like: getting your kids up, dressed, and fed in the mornings before going to school, and then getting yourself to work on time; making sure they get their homework in on time and not failing in school; making them clean up their rooms and doing other chores around the house; keeping them off the digital devices at home and not falling prey to the addiction of it; being an example to point and lead them to Christ; dealing with teachers, daycare workers, and employers who attempt to tell you how to raise your child instead of you; trying to get yourself and your children to church every Sunday morning without starting WWW III; and so on it goes!
“Why would these situations be any harder than those of a married woman with children?”, you may ask. Well, the main difference, of course, is that there is usually a father in the home of married women who generally helps in these situations on the home front and plays out that second role of a dad to his kids; whereas, a single-mother does not have this luxury and therefore; she must do all these things herself most times. Seemingly, she feels as though she has to take on the whole world while attempting to play out the mother and father roles within the household. So, of course, it is extra work.
What’s more, is that she also has to go out and work a job (sometimes 2 or 3) to be able to pay bills, put food on the table, a roof over their heads, and to further support her family if the father does not, or if he is only contributing very little for his children. And, as we all know and have been there, that is a huge burden for us single-mothers to have to bear. We do it out of love and necessity of course, but it doesn’t change the importance of doing it, and it is still quite difficult all the same. For some of us, it’s a matter of survival!
Physical And Emotional Strains/Stresses Of Being A Single-Mom
The single-mom has added physical and emotional strains upon herself in that she tends to overdo those things that must get done, and she feels the need many times to overcompensate for what a man (or father in the home) could or should be doing for her regarding the help, training, and raising of the children.
The following are a few examples of the many physical and emotional strains and stresses we Christian single-moms go through and endure:
—> Providing the basic needs for herself and that of her family. This of course is the first and highest priority a mother needs to have in place before planning out anything else for her family. If you are in this situation (as I once was), you’ll need to establish how you and your kids will not only survive but thrive within this economy, and within the society. Sometimes just getting a roof over your head, food on the table, a way to get your kids back and forth to school and you to work, and a way to earn a living can be so tough for a single-mother to do. You will no doubt need some kind of help and/or support in order to reach those goals. You may have to ask your church family, your parents, your ex’s parents, your employer, co-workers, friends, other family members, other acquaintance, your local food bank, Welfare office, the housing authority in your area, and other government entities. There is no shame in getting these things through government resources if you are really trying to get help for yourself and your children. I’ve done it before whenever I needed to do so, but soon got off when I had enough resources to get me through for a while. In the United States, we have government resources to help young mothers and children through the WIC Program (Women, Infants, and Children), where they will provide foods for yourself(if you are breastfeeding), along with your children ages 5 and under. And then if you need help with other resources, there are those available through your child’s school where they may offer free breakfast and lunch through food vouchers or school food programs as well. You have to look into these yourself and ask around to get help. If you don’t know where to start, begin in the Yellow Pages of your local phone directory and then go from there. Also, you can call nearby hospitals, police stations, fire stations, etc. to inquire of certain needs you and your children have as well as the various locations in which to find them. Many times they have phone numbers of in-state and local areas of help for women and children. Furthermore, check on Google. com, or Ask.com for more resources. Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Continue also, to pray and ask the Lord for His guidance and provision. Make requests to Him to point you to people, places, or certain resources to help you with whatever you have need of at the time. He will not let you or your children go hungry, and He will always provide. You must trust that He will do so! Remember in Matthew 6:11-13, where we are to pray concerning God’s promises to provide for us daily? It says, “Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.” Do not doubt that He will come to your aid. In Romans 14:23 it says, “And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” Also, in James 1:6-8 it warns us, “But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord. A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.“
—> Going out into the workforce to find a decent job or establish a good career for herself even if she has never worked outside the home before. Here’s an interesting article from Mary Beth Ferrante I found on www.forbes.com, entitled, The Pressure Is Real For Working Mothers, where she says that, “Nothing can ever prepare you for becoming a parent. Yet, may of us dive in a tireless pursuit of preparing for motherhood. It’s no easy task keeping another human being alive and thriving. The process is so uniquely complicated and fraught with unforeseen circumstances. Millennial mothers are feeling overwhelmed and unsupported during the transition from motherhood to working mother.” I can agree and attest to this fact when I too was a young mother who had to enter into the workforce right after having a new baby. So many burdens and pressures are on you at the time you re-enter the work environment, and yet you must stay in the game and continue there because your current situation and circumstance demands that you do so. You can become physically and emotionally exhausted and drained, no doubt!
—> Making sure her household is running smoothly. The single-mom is on the go all the time, not just with her outside job, but with her work inside the home as well. For one thing, meals have to be made for herself and the kids. Going to the grocery store to buy the food, putting together the menus and then actually cooking the food takes a lot of planning and preparation time. Washing, drying, ironing, hanging up, folding clothes, and putting them away takes up quite a bit of time to do too. Cleaning up the house can be a nightmare if things are not cleaned, organized, or put away on a consistent basis. If you can get your kids to do their part in cleaning up their rooms, taking out the trash, cutting the grass outside, or doing other chores in the house to help out, that would be a wonderful way of them learning how to clean and organize a home as well as being a great help to you! Of course all of this does take time to do, depending on how good or bad the condition of your house is. Yes, I’ve gone through this as a young single-mom and I understand just how overwhelming this can be sometimes, especially if you have little to no help at all in doing it. But nevertheless, it must all get done!
—> Feeling the guilt and/or shame of being a single-mom. Not many want to acknowledge that these feelings and emotions even exist inside us, but indeed many times they do. It was for me when I was a young single-mom, trying to raise my daughter alone with the stigma of not just being a single-mom, but also that of being divorced with no husband around to help or support me. As a believer in Christ, I wanted to do the right and godly things in my life and with my daughter in raising her to become saved and to live a righteous life. However, all the while, my church family at the time seemed to look at me with pitiful eyes and a sad heart that I was all alone with a young daughter to raise. Sometimes they offered support to me, other times not. I truly felt like a failure as a woman and a mother at times, but God helped me through it all, and I now have the confidence in Him to withstand a lot of that guilt and shame, knowing what my position in Christ was and still is! He has helped me all these years in the raising of my daughter, and believe it or not, my ex-husband has done a wonderful job in helping me as the years have gone by. I was truly fortunate in that and thank the Lord everyday that He has been there for us. You too may feel guilt and shame for the negative stigma out there of being a single-mom as I know our society has preconceived ideas or notions that we are helpless, needy individuals who have children who are also helpless and needy. Whether that’s true or not, the Lord knows your plight and He knows all your needs and desires for your family. Look only to Him for your emotional and spiritual support in this area of your life. The outside world and society can be cruel and non-caring towards the Christian single-mom, but God knows where you are and He has care and compassion for His own. Have no guilt or shame in doing all your possibly can with the help of the Lord. Keep your head up high and remember that you are child of the King!!
—> Feeling the pressure to say “YES” to everything, and being everything to everyone! Please don’t get yourself locked up into this pattern of life or thinking. I did this too as a young mother and become very burnt out! You may find yourself saying “Yes” to everyone so as to make them feel wanted, needed, or to keep the peace. However, this is not good nor is it healthy to do so. You will wrack your brain and destroy your own health and dignity by being a “yes” person all the time and/or by being everything to everyone. I remember when my daughter was in elementary school and had all these fund raisers, food drives, newspaper drives, birthday parties, Holiday school parties, and so on. Her teachers always asked me to bring cookies, make cupcakes, or bring this or that for all the parties given. Of course I did because I wanted to please my daughter and her teacher, as well as get nice kudos from the other parents there (stupid reason, I know). But for some reason I just couldn’t say “no”. Eventually I’d get myself in a fix and became so overwhelmed with far too many home, work, and her school activities that at times I over-burdened myself with what other people wanted or expected of me. Then, if her father was not able to chip in financially for an extra-curricular school/church activity, I would then feel the pressure to do so and sometimes go over my budget to allow money for yet another activity in her life. They were all great activities and wonderful things for her to learn, and I wanted her to be a part of them all, but sometimes we just have to put a limit on what we as parents can or will do for our kids. Then if there are work expenses or home expenses, we have to allow for those as well. Our church family can place demands on us as well. There’s choir rehearsals, Sunday school activities, giving to this or that fund, and so forth. When you add up all the many requests and pressures to say “yes” to, then where does that leave you afterwards? You can become bogged down with other people’s wants, needs, and requests, that you tend to forego those of yourself and your kids sometimes. Many single-moms can attest to this as well.
—> Making sure our kids are healthy, happy, and being raised right! This is definitely our own responsibility as parents and should not be placed upon others in society, such as their teachers, school mates, friends, or employers (when they are old enough to work a job). We know that when children do not have parents in their lives to lead and guide them, they can end up in bad company where the streets will raise them and tell them how to act and behave, and how to think. That is truly sad for many children of our world today. They have a lack of true parental guidance and support that is so needed for the right growth and development. When children are scared, angry, hurt, or feel misunderstood by their parents or others who are in authority over them, they will run to those whom they feel are less judgmental or compassionate with them. They are then more prone to get into various kinds of trouble and mischief. You may have a child or children who are experiencing this as well. Most definitely this becomes a hardship; a strain and stress in our lives as single-moms. Sometimes we can give our children soooo much–all the necessities of life, including many luxuries and happy experiences; even point them to Christ, and yet; they may take advantage and still go out there into the world of drugs, fast cars, sex, gambling, and live reckless lives. This is when it is vital to keep hanging on to Jesus, to God’s Word; continually keep a Christian standard within your home; keeping them healthy and happy (if possible); doing the right and necessary things to teach, lead, and guide your children in the right and godly path. As long as you know you have done all you can to raise your kids the right way, you must then leave the rest up to the Lord. Allow Him to work His good will and purpose in their lives.
Solutions To Lessen The Load Of Stresses/Strains In Being A Christian Single-Mom
When you feel burdened down with many stresses, strains, pressures, and responsibilities everywhere you turn in life, you need to de-stress yourself somehow, and to take a break in trying to handle it all by yourself.
I’ve been a single-mom for many years, and I’ve also worked with other young single-moms as well and I’ve seen all the many pressures and hardships they go through which can be either lessened or curtailed with a little bit of evaluation, planning, and execution. Here’s how you can accomplish this:
—> Do evaluate and access what your needs and wants are for yourself and your kids. What are the many goals you have for yourself and your family? If you don’t have any now, it’s best to come up with some that will put you on the path to accomplishing them. Things like: immediate basic goals: food, clothing, shelter, work, etc. Make a plan and figure out how you will get and maintain these basic needs in your life. This is top priority of course. Then you have your health goals. Will you provide some sort of sport or exercise routine for you and your kids in order to keep them strong and fit? Determine what foods you want them to eat and how healthy your meals should be for them in keeping them well and feeling good everyday. Then decide on where you want to live, what kind of house or apartment to live in; should you buy or rent? Also your transportation setup. Do you want to buy or own a car? Or can you and your kids take the bus, train, or taxi back and forth to school, church, home, etc.?
—> Plan ahead of time what you (and your kids) will do, where you will go, what to do when you get there, etc. Plan to have some money set aside for those dire emergencies; for play money, for various expenses, and for long-term savings, etc. Plan for events and your everyday routine. Prepare each day ahead of time the night before by planning what you will wear or need to take to school and to work. This cuts off so much time in the morning that you will end up with more free time to spend with your children before they go off to school. Plan out your meals and snacks by coming up with good, healthy menus. Plan out what you will buy according to good, healthy options and by what your financial budget dictates too. All these things you must plan and prepare for in giving you solutions to lessen the load of stresses/strains and other hardships of being a single-mom.
—> Execute your plan the best way you can and do it often so you can develop good patterns and habits along the way. As you do this, you will see the ease in how your everyday chores and routine goes because now you’ve evaluated and planned out certain strategies for running a smooth household and for getting things done. You won’t feel so overwhelmed and burned out anymore, When you allow life to just flow by without a thought, then you end up doing what other people want you to do–lending and spending most or all your precious time to them and not to yourself and your own family’s needs.
The following solutions are ways of lessening and curtailing those obstacles, hardships, stresses, and strains we single-moms sometimes experience everyday. You may find something of use for yourself and your family within this list of options:
- Seek the Lord and His wisdom in all that you do and you won’t go wrong! When you put His way before your own then you’ll be in a much better position to handle diversities, strains, stresses, and hardships in life. God’s Word gives the instructions we need for doing this, as you will see in Isaiah 55:6-7 which tells us to, “Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call ye upon Him while He is near; Let the wicked forsake his way; and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and He will have mercy upon him; and our God, for He will abundantly pardon.” 1 Chronicles 16:11 also commands, “Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually.” Acts 17:27-28 says, “That they should seek the Lord, if hapily they might feel after Him, and find Him, though He be not far from everyone of us: for in Him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said; For we are also His offspring.” Finally, in Hebrews 11:6 we are exhorted, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.”
- Provide for your family the best way you can. It’s obvious that you need as much income coming into your home as possible when you have yourself and your kids to house, feed, and support; that’s a given. However, acting on it can become a challenge at times if you are not really in a position to work or to work very little. Perhaps you have a physical ailment/disability, or your child may have a disability, or you may not be able to go out and work with very young children at home, and have very little money to get you back and forth to work or to put your children into some kind of childcare. Or, you may be actually out there looking for work but there may not be work in your area or opportunities for work. Once I was in a very small town where work was hard to come by and had to then go outside of my local community to find work. Then getting childcare for my daughter was a challenge; plus the transportation costs were high as well. But, all in all, I did the best I could at the time as I worked with the resources I had. Eventually I saved up enough money to move out of that small town into a bigger city where there were more opportunities and options of various kinds of employment. That is just an example however, of what you may have to do just to be able to provide for your family. It’s not always easy, but hopefully it will be doable for you, and for a time until better options/opportunities present themselves to you.
- Try to get along with your EX as best as possible. I know this could open up a huge Pandora’s box for you but that is not my intention here. I am only suggesting this to give you some peace of mind as you both deal with life and the issues of your children together. They still need their father in their lives (for the most part, unless he is abusive, of course), but when your children see that you both can forgive and come together in a civil fashion (for their sakes), then life can become a little easier to handle, with less pressures and stress going on. Kick all your upsets, anger, resentments, and feelings of bitterness to the curb and try to get to the heart of your issues instead of allowing negative feelings and emotions control your thoughts, actions, and behaviors towards each other and your kids. Pray and ask the Lord to lead and guide your thoughts, words, and actions towards your EX in all matters. Don’t allow pride to rule; instead, do all in humbleness. Here’s what I mean to say through these important passages of scripture: 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you.” Philippians 2:3-9, it says, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves. Let not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you which is also in Christ Jesus. Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted Him, and given Him a name which is above every name...” Lastly, James 4:10 commands us, “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up.“
- Give your children the proper discipline they need for physical, emotional, social, and spiritual development. Applying discipline in your child’s life doesn’t just mean giving negative consequences or positive reinforcement for good or bad behaviors, it can also help them to establish good patterns and habits for life as they mature and develop into adults. Discipline is a great character-builder as well. Yes, of course it is mandated by God through His Word that we as believers in Christ teach and train our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), and that we are not to provoke them, but to give them a biblical standard to go by (God’s Word). Part of that standard is punishment and/or consequences given for bad behaviors as well. Spanking your child in love goes a long way to maturing him/her. Check out what it says about this in Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 23:13-14, Hebrews 12:11, Proverbs 29:13, and Psalm 103:13. Besides that, discipline involves molding yourself and your children into habits and patterns that will help in doing everyday tasks, such as brushing teeth, cleaning up their rooms, doing homework, or doing anything in which a good habit or pattern of life needs to be developed. When you discipline yourself, you don’t give much room for the enemy (Satan) either. And as you are disciplining your body, your mind follows right along with it. Applying good and positive discipline is a motivator for changing one’s body, mind, and soul for a lifetime.
- Take good personal care of yourself. We mothers sometimes have a hard time realizing the value of this important concept because we are always running around, making sure our children have this and that, and are healthy and strong, that we do not always treat ourselves right or take time out for our own well-being. Remember, you must do this because if not, then what happens if you get so run-down or sick that there is no one to care for you or for your children at the time? I did not ever think about this much as a young mother until one day I truly got so sick with the flu that I had no other recourse but to stay at home, in my bed with my daughter playing by my side, and with the bedroom door locked so that she (at two year’s old) wouldn’t escape into the other rooms of the house and get into trouble. I just wasn’t able to run around after her to see what she was getting into, nor could I really play with her much. She was a good sport about it though, thank God. So, I had to find ways to engage with her, feed her, take her to the bathroom, etc. without exerting myself too much as sick as I was! I had a few of those instances and, although very challenging and lonely, I realized they initially stemmed from not fully taking care of myself and my own heath. When you are going, going, going, you end up getting so run-down and wiped out that your immune system takes a hard beating!
- Create proper rules and structure within your home. Not many mothers think about or feel too much concern over this one, but indeed it is needed and possible to do. You just need a little planning, understanding from your kids that this is the way your home will be operated on, as well as a bit of enforcement on this if needed. In many ways, this goes hand in hand with applying good discipline with your children as you decide how much structure you want them to have. You cannot be an overly passive mother if you are to maintain proper structure and order inside your home and family life. The reason for this is that your kids will not take you or your rules seriously and will take advantage and run you over! I’ve seen this happen in other families way to often and it breaks my heart to see single-moms become completely over-burdened, disgusted, angry, and afraid of their own children because they have allowed them to rule their home, instead of them taking authority as the parent to make the rules in which they must abide by. When you establish rules, routines, and structure inside the home, where everyone who lives there knows what he/she is supposed to do and how to behave there, you will see how establishing and maintaining a well-rounded home environment can actually help them to take responsibility for their own behaviors and actions. Additionally, biblical teaching and application will further initiate proper structure and spiritual discipline for them. This does not always come easy to do, but with the help of the Lord, it most definitely can be done. And, finally,
- Have a good support system, or a network of other Christian single-moms! This can be so valuable for you as you go through life on your own with your kids. I too had a good set of Christian single-moms as a young mother to give me the emotional and spiritual support I needed while raising my daughter. We all shared our trials, headaches, despairs, challenges, frustrations, joys; and we shared work, various tasks and projects that needed to get done. Sometimes we had babysitting services that we offered each other as we took turns watching each other’s kids while a mom went out to work, school, the grocery store, doctor appointments, etc. I’m telling you, if you are feeling all alone and frustrated as a Christian single-mom, having a network and support system of other Christian single-moms is a God-send and life-saver! You can connect with other like-minded moms as well by joining up with Facebook networking groups, meetups in your local area, in your church and community. Look through the Yellow Pages, Classifieds in your local newspapers, online through Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or other social media groups designed to help and support Christian single-moms. So, don’t suffer alone if you don’t have to. Venture out and reach out for help. We are all in this thing together!
In conclusion, it is indeed possible to live a victorious life in Christ as a Christian single-mom, even where there are daily struggles, battles, temptations, frustrations, stresses, and strains from this world’s system.
The key is to not allow these negative aspects of single motherhood get you down and/or keep you there.
There is always help in Christ. He is there, willing and waiting to aid you in all that you need, including those needs and situations of your children. Look to Him for all things; praise and worship Him through all things; and give Him thanksgiving and honor because He is worthy of it all.
God bless you as you continue to be the kind of mother which God has called you to be, and that through Him, your children will find their way too through the Lord’s help, guidance, and purpose for their lives.