Keeping your kids out of jail and off the streets can be a real challenge with some families and in particular neighborhoods. However, it is entirely possible, even as a Christian single-mom who is raising children all on her own.
It can be a tough world out there, trying to raise your kids as a single-mom in an evil environment that is geared to bring your children down in life. You may be in a neighborhood such as this, where there is a lot of crime around you, with vices such as: burglaries, thefts, vandalism, murders, gang activity, kids running the streets, drug and alcohol abuse, prostitution and the like. Evil seems to breed more evil, and so it becomes a real challenge for many parents who may be in your shoes.
How can you possibly avoid this end result in your children’s lives? A few things to consider here are: finding help and support for families through community efforts/community programs for youth; extra-curricular activities and after-school activities (to keep kids off the streets and out of trouble), getting an “accountability buddy”, checking in with mom every hour or so when she is away from home, making sure there is plenty to do at home (chores that are expected to be done, etc.), giving attention to homework once they are home, participating in fun activities after homework and chores are done. These are just a few things your kids can do in helping them stay clear from trouble. But, please read on…
"An Idle Mind Is The Devil's Workshop"
It was H.G. Bohn, who wrote this quote in his Handbook Of Proverbs, written in 1855. Even way back then, there were young kids getting into trouble! However, there is much truth to this little quote. It rings clearly in my head always as my dad used to say this to me often when I was a young teen. As a preacher, he wanted us kids to understand this vital concept in that the devil is always looking for clever ways to tempt a person, especially when his/her mind is idle and seemingly has nothing to do.
Anything can be idle, not just one’s mind. When one is idle, he/she gets into trouble and mischief. There can be idle talk (gossiping), or idle hands (one has nothing to do, or is bored), or who chooses idleness as a pattern of life (laziness, depression, uncaring, lethargic in one’s thoughts, etc.)
There are a few Bible verses akin to this particular proverb, and this way of life as well, which can be found in these passages of scripture:
- Proverbs 13:3 says, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.”
- Proverbs 18:8 warns, “The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the inner most parts of the belly.“
- James 3:6 says, “And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.”
- Ephesians 4:29 warns, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.“
- Ephesians 5:4 adds,”Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.”
- Matthew 12:36 Jesus says, “But I say unto you, ‘That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgement.”
- Proverbs 19:15 tells us, “Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger.”
- 1 Timothy 5:13 says, “And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.” (This reminds me of the various groups of gangs and how they go from street corner to street corner, stirring up trouble).
- Proverbs 31:27 says, “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” (The Proverbs 31 woman knows the value of time and uses it wisely).
- 1 Peter 5:8 tells us, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.“
- Ephesians 5:15-16 says, “See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise; Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Lastly,
- 1 Thessalonians 5:14 exhorts, “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly; comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.“
What Will Jail Be Like?
No one wants to know that her son/daughter may end up in juvenile hall, the local jail, or in prison one day, but this has happened to many unsuspecting (and suspecting) parents. Many of us have heard of horrible things happening to people while incarcerated, and unfortunately, many of these are true.
If you don’t want to see your precious Johnny or Susie going to jail, or ending up like some of those kids you’ve heard about, you may want to change some things around home, at school, or in the neighborhood in which you live, and do it now, while there is still time.
As mother and head of your own household, you do have the right to put your foot down to certain destructive and degrading attitudes, actions, or behaviors that may be going on within your home, school, play, their work, or wherever they may be or where their hangouts are.
I realize some children/teens are very hard to discipline, and of which many parents are even afraid of in their own homes. I have found that if you don’t get a hold of your child when he/she is very young, it is nearly impossible to make him/her mind and obey you when they are older. By that time they have many tricks up their clever sleeves and know how to manipulate you and the system, if allowed to do so.
I had the fortunate opportunity to work in an emergency shelter for kids in Tennessee, USA for quite a few years, and there I learned so much about kids in ways others may never be able to do so. There were infants, young children, and older teens who were brought to us from the state into our custody, whose parents or caregivers had allegations of child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, or other dependence issues against them.
Unfortunately these kids had no good or positive role models who could guide them into a better life, and so we (the staff at the emergency shelter) had to come up with unique and clever ways in which to affect their young growing lives until they were either sent back to their (hopefully regenerated) parents, or sent out to good foster homes.
During these kids’ stay at our shelter, we made sure to bring in people from the outside world who could hopefully affect and guide their lives toward the right paths, but in so doing, we wanted them to have knowledge of what may incur should they decide to abandon all that was good and right, for the opposite life–that of evil and debauchery.
So, we brought in many people from the forces of law to help them see what a life of crime might look like. We had speakers come in who were juvenile Hall youth counselors, jail and prison guards, social workers who dealt with parents of criminals, and preachers who had jail ministries in the area. They all came to voice their opinions and to speak on the ramifications of crime. The following are some of the points they brought across during that talk:
- Sometimes you have a room mate (prison mate) who is worse off than you are, or more evil-minded than you are as an inmate. Many times they have done a crime or a misdemeanor that is worse than what you may have done, and they will either brag about it to you, or declare they didn’t do it (living in total denial). Most times you don’t get to chose who your room mate is or will be, and you are stuck there with that person for some time.
- You are confined to a place that has no love, no respect for other human’s rights or autonomy. Many times you are just there with your own thoughts to keep you company.
- It’s so hard to be good, act good, when there are so many around you who want you to get into worse trouble.
- Choosing friends is hard because you don’t know who to trust–most times you cannot trust anyone, not even yourself. So-called friends come and go as few leave and others come in.
- You will be tempted to engage in homosexual acts with others of the same sex. This could be enacted upon as a dare from another inmate, a gang initiation, succumbing to the act out of fear someone will do you more harm, or just out of sheer curiosity.
- You may be exposed to drugs/alcohol while incarcerated. Yes, they do have people there who bring it in and hide it from authorities.
- You are constantly under the threat of getting beaten up, or engaging in a fight that you may or may not have started.
- Once you are out, you have to be careful you don’t return. There are people in jail who are in and out all the time because they have the same friends or connections who are nothing but trouble, who will tempt them into engaging in the same or other crimes/misdemeanors when they come out of jail.
- The inmates, for the most part, will constantly belittle you, or put you down emotionally. If you have done any crime towards women or children, they are harder on you and threaten your life more often.
- You cannot leave the jail/prison or juvenile hall unless there has been certain circumstances regarding your particular case that will help to get you out or clear your name. Good lawyers are very expensive, and even then there is no guarantee they can clear you either. Some people are able to visit family members by having good behaviors, in which case they may wear an ankle monitor which monitors their every move.
- You don’t get to do what you want to do, but what the guards (or those who are in charge of your case) tell you what to do.
- Jail/Prison/Juvi, is a lonely place when you are missing your family, friends, and school mates. You are lucky if you have family to come visit you, or are able to make a few phone calls here and there, but that’s really all you’ve got until you come out (if you ever come out)
- There is virtually no privacy. Other inmates or prison guards will see you naked during showers or going to the bathroom, etc. There is no place that is private. Everyone knows everyone, eventually.
- There is a high risk of getting raped or sodomized by someone there, either by a prison guard, or other inmates. One has to always be on the lookout for this. Just because you are locked up doesn’t mean that no harm will come to you. On the contrary, you are locked up with others who would do harm, and have a pattern of it as well. And,
- When you get out (if you get out), you have a record that will go with you forever. Even if you have been exonerated and cleared of your debt to society, you still feel like a “jail bird” and that people will see you differently. They may not trust you or want to give you a job because of the crime or bad deed you committed. Your future will always be affected in some way through past crimes or wrong deeds towards society.
What Is The Attraction Of The Streets?
What is the attraction of hanging out in the streets? What makes kids want to always be present there?
If your child has nothing to do at home while waiting for you to come home from work or school, then he/she just may decide that there is more fun outside than inside. Many temptations are out there, for sure.
Presently, I live in New York City, USA, where so much is happening here, and where you see many different types of people who virtually live out on the streets, regardless of cold or hot weather. Some of them come from homelessness, but others are lured to the streets and have their whole lives wrapped up in street life. Some of them are quite proud to be living on the streets, and are quite street-savvy as well.
While writing this article, I’ve talked to various people who live on the streets, close to where I work and/or whom I see virtually everyday, walking to and fro, with idle hands, idle minds, and no where to go. I posed the question to them: “What’s the attraction of living on the streets, or walking the streets everyday? What do you get out of it?” I talked to some of the young teenagers, who hang out on the corners, or who huddle up in groups (some are gang members) and older people who are out there, walking around and watching what goes on in the neighborhood. I’ve also spoken to police officers within the surrounding neighborhoods where I work to get more of an idea of the street life and what all the attraction is about.
The following are a few of the reasons why they say the streets call out to them:
- They feel as though their moms or dads don’t really love them, or that they blame them for something specific, or that no one spends time with them, or is indifferent to them in some way.
- They have friends from school who have introduced them to gang members, or other kids/adults who spend all or most of their time in the streets, looking for things to do (trouble to get into).
- Many of them come from single-parent homes whose parents work long hours or go to school, or hang out in the streets as well, into drug/alcohol use and prostitution too. Many of these teenagers and older kids feel isolated and alienated from others, and hate all forms of authority. They make their own rules out there on the streets.
- They are not being held accountable to anyone for where they go or what they do during the day/night before mom/dad come home from work or school, thus they feel no need to stay home.
- They are failing in school and/or playing hooky from school/work, and not caring about doing any homework at all.
- They are lured into the streets through various gang members, with the promise of drugs, money, sex, etc.
- Many of them get into gangs or engage in gang activity for money, drugs, sex, violence, and other vices of temptation.
- Some of these kids have moms or dads who are in jail or incarcerated and have been for years, not knowing when or if they will get out, or if they will ever see them again. They have no parental love or good adult role models in their lives, and feel that the older “homies” or “broes” from the streets are their parents.
- Many say that they don’t get a sense or feeling of love from their own moms or dads, nor do they care about them, or spend any time with them. So it is more accepted for them to join a gang because, at least they have a sense of family. Their “bros” or “homies” are their family unit. They do everything together (steal, cheat, kill, gossip, play games, party together, etc.), and they have each other’s backs as well. Many of them feel that getting caught by the police or going to jail is the least of their worries, since many of their friends are also in jail.
- Some feel that being in the streets teaches them how to be a real man or woman, and that they are learning viable lessons of life that way.
- Some gang members go out to recruit young kids (from elementary to high school ages) to either do their drug runs for them, or other gang activities that they themselves don’t want to get caught doing.
- They have access to drugs, money, and alcohol. If they don’t have it, they know who does and how to get it.
- They see the streets as being their parents, teachers, and instructors. They value the wisdom of the streets more than anything else they may want to learn about.
- If they were to end up in jail after being out on the streets for so long, or for getting caught in illegal activities, at least they would have a warm/cool place to be as protection from the outside elements; they would have hot food served to them, and gain friends from some of the same gang members they’ve seen on the streets in their own neighborhoods, and so on.
- There is not found any community programs for the young people in the neighborhood or surrounding area, and if there was, no one is out searching for them or trying to help them in any way for fear of the gangs.
- Many have self-esteem problems and through their street connections or gang associations, they can pick up girls easier, or get a girl/boy to have sex with them–sometimes as a trade-off for drugs, money, or alcohol. Of course, these girls or boys would not be those types they would bring home to “mother” at all. Finally,
- Many of these people who live out in the streets have done so for years and equate it with their “family” because they are so used to being out there everyday. They are highly familiar with the street life and find it is the only viable life for them, and don’t mind the hustle. Even if they wanted to get out, they find it hard to impossible to do so.
Making Sure Your Kids Are Safe And Out Of Trouble From The Streets And/Or Jail
How can you be rest assured that your sweet ones are either at home, at a friend’s house, or out in the neighborhood for a particular reason, within a safe environment, and where they are supposed to be while you are out at work or going to school?
I know it’s a challenge to have everything in place when you are away from your children, but safety is always the top priority for a mom. It most certainly was for me (still is) when my daughter was in school and I was at work and taking night classes at university most days/nights.
If you know your kids will get home from school before you arrive there, then you will want them to have things done while you are away. Have them text or call you once they get home to let you know they’ve arrived and all is well. That is a huge concern for many parents, is to be at peace that at least their kids are home from school and safe.
Then however, you may have certain instructions for each of your children once they are home, and expect them to obey them. For instance: Once they come home from school, whether by bus, car, train, or walking, maybe they can have a small snack (most kids are famished once they hit the door!); and either do their homework first, or other chores first (take out the dog, take out the trash, vacuum, do dishes, whatever needs to get done before mom comes home).
After homework is done, then perhaps they can play a video game with their siblings, or other friends; watch a movie, go outside and play if weather permits and its safe to do so. I know that many kids want to expel some pent-up energy since they’ve been sitting at school all day long and wish to run around some,
If indeed you allow your kids to play outside in the streets or neighborhood, they MUST have someone with them at all times, have their cells phones with them turned on, and/or at least play in a certain area that is considered “safe” if they are playing alone. When they have an accountability buddy with them, they are not so likely to be targeted by gang members or of those kids who are out to make trouble (or looking for it).
Being a single-mom tends to make you more responsible but overwhelmed at the same time when trying to juggle so many things simultaneously, such as your kids (and knowing where they are at all times), work, school, church, grocery shopping, etc.
It goes without saying that, of course, your job also includes that of searching and following through on looking for and implementing activities and/or creating an after-school plan for your kids. This should keep them busy and entertained if need be–at least until you come home. You may be out for hours yet and may need them to cook their own meals, get their baths, do their homework, and get their school clothes out for the next day. That’s how the single-mom’s life goes sometimes. I’ve been there, and done that, It’s not easy, but it IS doable. Have your kids help out. Otherwise things will not go as smoothly. This is the only way that it can work, however; is when everyone is doing their part, their fair share! (unless you have infants) Even toddlers can be taught to help out in their special little ways. It may take some time and patience, but can be done.
The following are a few suggestions that may help you and your family get through this issue:
- Sit down with your children and have a heart-to-heart conversation or family meeting and discuss the issue of what to do after school, and what is be expected of each of your children. Also, have them voice their opinions/concerns/desires on what their “take” is one the subject, and what their part should be.
- Make sure your children know that it is a MUST to call you to let you know you have arrived home from school, the park, their neighbor’s/friend’s house (wherever). There is no negotiation on this one.
- Have certain chores or a list of after-school responsibilities for each of your children to do and accomplish before the next school day, and before you come home from work/school. Give them incentives for accomplishing those tasks, and/or give them consequences or repercussions if it is not accomplished or not even attempted.
- Look into what your community, school, or neighborhood has to offer the young people who live there in the way of sport programs, after-school programs, church camps, youth camps, etc. Ask your children and their parents if they know of any, or check your local libraries, churches, and/or the Yellow Pages in your city’s area phone book.
- If you allow your children to go to their friend’s homes, make sure you have their contact information (cell phone numbers, addresses, parent’s work numbers, etc), and designate a time when they have to be back home. Give them a curfew if need be and expect your child to be home by that time, if not, then assign a consequence or punishment for being disobedient to your rule. Make sure you know if their parents will be home, and find out when if not. It’s important to know as much as you can when it’s your kids. I learned this as a young single-mom.
- If you allow your kids to have their friends over your house while you are gone, you must make sure that your rules of the house are obeyed and honored. If not, then no friends should be allowed back. They must respect your home. Children get upset if their parents don’t trust them, so have them give a reason then for you to actually trust them.
- If you allow your children to go to the playground after school, or take a walk, or go to the store, or go to a nearby park to play basketball, make sure you designate what you expect from your child during that time (a text, phone call to mom or friend, etc.), and not hanging out on the streets with others of bad company. How would you know if your child is in trouble, getting beat up or bullied in some way? These things you must think about and make sure he/she is where you expect them to be.
- No strange girls (girlfriends) or boys (boyfriends) in your home while you are away. There is too much temptation to sin in this area. When there is no adult supervision to see what your kids are doing, then trouble comes quickly! )(example: teenage pregnancies, getting beaten up, or raped by someone).
- Setting the law down for important rules, such as: no cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, no illicit sex (as mentioned above), or anything else you think may become a problem with your kids while you are still away). Make sure there are consequences for bad behaviors as well.
- Give them choices on what kinds of things would interest them after they have finished their homework and chores. They may want to participate in various hobbies and after-school sports, or join a club, or church activity. Anything that will expand their minds in a positive and spiritual ways are wonderful and helpful to them. Get them involved in extra-curricular activities if they are willing or if they are not too tired and exhausted from their day at school. Some parents put their kids in everything and it ends up being very competitive and exhausting for their children. This you will have to monitor.
- Make sure your kids know who to go to if they are approached by gang members or other street kids in the neighborhood who want to do them harm, or who are bullying them for whatever reason. I see gang members all the time in some of the areas I work in, who go to playgrounds and parks just to bully or threaten younger kids into running errands for them, or offering them candy or money to do so. Ask your kids questions about their day at the park/playground, or whatever they have done that day. Ask if anyone approached them, or offered them drugs, etc. You may have to take action, or get others in on a few of these things, after all, you are the probably the only advocate for your child or for other children in the neighborhood.
All in all, you can see that it is highly important as a mom, single or not, to look after the things of your children, not just from their school standpoint, but from their after-school activities too. They rely on you and are dependent on you for so much, but they too must realize the necessity of doing their part while you are still at work or school. It would be great if they would also help to ease your mind, burden, and load while you are away.
When they are helpful in these ways, and doing whatever it is you have asked them to do, you may want to reward them with something they like or enjoy, or by giving them a weekend family fun time, where you spend good, quality time with them in a non-hurried atmosphere. Children relish time with their parents and remember and talk about it for years to come!
Constantly pray for your children, while you are with them or while you are away. Ask the Lord’s guidance, His protection and provision for your kids on a continual basis. The Lord hears you and just trust and know that He will place His protection over them. He knows all and He knows you are doing the best you can as their mother and possible sole-provider. You have to let Him take over the wheel. He keeps you safe, now allow Him to take your burden from you and trust Him.
Pray and ask the Lord to help you throughout the challenges and dangers you may face with your kids on a day to day basis, from the influences of your neighborhood; from getting them off the streets, and out of jails. Allow your home to be Christ-centered, and where God’s peace, joy, and love can be found at all times. God bless you as you honor and serve Him in every way.